Kathy, please!!! This is final.

Elissa moves out with her daughter. They are temporarily living at Elissa’s mother’s house. But things don’t seem much better, just less intense.

I drive by myself to meet Elissa at her mother’s house. She looks tired, drained. She hugs me for a long time and stares at me. Then she says: “ I miss this interaction, Kathy. I am starving inside. Any human attention I can get doesn’t seem enough to get me back to where I need to be. Thank you for coming.”

The environment fells heavy, tense.

We sit down in the living room and I feel this heavy weight over my shoulders. It is a physical sensation. I try to assess the environment and it definitely feels as if we are being watched. I look at Elissa.

I know she has not been entirely honest with me. I saw her reactions last time we were at her house. I could tell there was more to the story and due to the absurd events that we witnessed as a group, I was not willing to risk my well-being any further. So, I tell her: “Elissa. I am afraid it will be a while, if ever, that you may be able to go back to your house. It is just my uneducated guess from my gut feeling.The reason is that I believe there is more to it than what you are telling me. And there is more to it that “Nicolas” haunting your place. In fact, to be honest I don’t think it is Nicolas. I really don’t have the expertise or the time to spend searching for answers from a “ghost”. Do you understand how odd this whole thing is?”

Elissa’s answer: “no, I don’t.”

“Well Elissa. It is very odd. This isn’t what I do for living. You can search online for some paranormal group and ask for their help, if you believe such people can help you. I know I can’t. “

Elissa stares off in the air, takes a deep breath of resignation and says: “Ok, Kathy. Here it goes. I knew about Nicola’s death. His family contacted me right after it happened. Nicola’s brother hates me. He took over the situation after the break up, hired an attorney to take away my car. Nicolas bought the car and put it on my name. He also put the boat and the cabin in my name. His brother is trying to take everything away from me. These things belong to me. Nicolas gave them to me because he loves me. So, I received the notice of a hearing from his attorney for January now. I got desperate and, well I don’t know, I just began searching online for mediums to contact Nicolas. I figured that if he haunted his brother, his brother would leave me alone.”

Jesus on heavens. The logic that some people use… I just stared at her. Then I ask her. “What did take you to contact a medium instead of getting a lawyer? Of all people you could have contacted, why a medium???”

Elissa stops. She gets quiet. She gets up and grabs a bottle of wine. This is 10:00 am! I look at her and she seems to move aimlessly back and forth. She gets a glass of wine then she sits down. She is not looking at me. She is playing with the wine. Then she tells me:” I slept with Sebastian. He is Nicolas’ brother. It was not an one time thing but several times all over the time. Sebastian has some videos of what we did in bed and with who. This changes everything.”

Now for sure my stomach is churning and I can feel things closing up on me.

Elissa continues. “My sister said that only a miracle could remediate the situation. I don’t believe in God or anything like that. But I know ghosts linger and I have not set Nicolas free. Because he is fucking stupid, weak, and broken and decided to check out before I was done with him, it doesn’t mean he stopped being mine. I do what the fuck I want and if he thinks that being dead will set him free, he is mistaken. No one leaves me.”

I sit there speechless staring at her. I wish I had recorded that conversation.

I ask her if she actually contacted someone online. She answers: “Yes. He is actually pretty good! He asked me for some clothes and stuff that belonged to Nicolas!”

“And you gave Nicolas’ things to this person?”

“Yes, I did. I have a Ouija board since my teens. I was using it trying to contact Nicolas. Not that I believe it works but I don’t care. Nothing else he would know he belongs to me and he can’t leave until I say so.”

Elissa begins to giggle like a 4 year old.

I am a nurse and I deal with mental health patients. I can identify when one is about to break from reality and go into a psychotic episode. Elissa seemed to be heading that direction. Her mother walks in as I am trying to get Elissa to let go of the wine. Her mother looks distressed.

She asks me if there were more developments and I am not quite sure what she means by that. Meanwhile, Elissa gets up comes and hugs me… and gets stuck in place. She doesn’t want to let me go. I am felling “crowded” and a hint of panic begins to come to me as I grab her arms and push her away.

Elissa’s mother gets her to sit down. Elissa’s father walks in with groceries and after her mother explains the current “moods”, he takes Elissa to her bedroom.

Elissa’s mother tells me that some events have been happening in her house now, that is hard to categorize them as scary. Scary is not the word. Things as knocking noises, furniture moving across the room,dishes hitting against each other on the sink, lights flickering. She doesn’t specify what else but stares at the stairs nervously as if she were speaking behind someone’s back. I don’t ask. I feel overwhelmed by the negativity in the air. It is as if the environment was sucked by this cold, empty, dark place and anything in it becomes paralyzed, frozen, sucked empty, lifeless. It was a very “palpable” feeling, concrete, real.

She then asks me what I think it is happening. I don’t really know other than it is extremely negative. I believe that it is not Nicolas who is making presence in Elissa’s house and now in her house. I sensed Nicolas but I don’t think it was Nicolas who so promptly answered me that day because there was a horrific feeling associated with that male voice. It was inhuman. I think something more powerful is present and with time passing, the attachment is getting stronger. More so because whatever that is, it seems attached to Elissa since it has followed her to her mother’s house. That isn’t human. It is beyond human to do that.

They will need real help and not just anyone or wannabes and little groups and crazy mediums found online but someone serious, knowledgeable people who can manage the situation. If not, this won’t go away. Ever.

After saying that, I felt this chill sensation crawling up my whole body. This cold electrical energy was buzzing on my skin engulfing me. It made me stop speaking. I just stood there trying to understand what was happening. I felt my feet going numb, and cold as if I was stepping on ice barefoot. My toes hurt. It felt as if needles were pricking the soles of my feet. I felt pressure in my chest as if someone was trying to restrain my breathing. The image of these big whitish hands with a blue hue glowing from them began forming in my mind. He was there, right there. He was breathing cold breath on my neck, smelling my hair. I manage to move away and stare back into nothing in the air but I felt as if he moved with me. As if he was trying to attach to me, to my vital energy. Glued to me. I stepped back further away and with my hands I blocked something invisible in front of me. It was as if I was touching slimy scales in a dead cold fish. I felt repulse and immediately withdrew my hands. Gross! Saying it out and loud, I commanded him to step away from me. Repeating it, not giving time for him to manifest back. I was blocking his manifestation. I gave him no permission to approach me. None. He must leave me. The sensation of numbness came back stronger. I closed my eyes and fought the horrific images forming in my mind at a fast pace to cause me dizziness. A buzzing noise was inside of my head. It hurt. I focused on the flame I created and exponentially pushed that thought forward as I felt the block. I felt my will getting weaker and yet I pushed my thought forward and forward and forward until I felt warmth combing back to me. Until I could breathe. I felt warmer, then hot, then burning hot and so I opened my eyes. He is standing there, four inches away facing me. Glaring at me with hate. Piercing hate. A head without hair. A monstrous white face. The skin looked as if it was made of a type of soft thick moveable clay. No eyebrows. No eyelashes. Eyes deep in the sockets. Protuberant forehead. The mouth was a black hole. No teeth. “I am not taking you in”. And I pushed forward, one more inch until that thing made a horrible sound. A mixture of a scream with a metallic type of sound as if something sharp was scratching against a metal. Scratchy noises.

Then this strong noise happens as if someone kicked the front door of the house. The whole house rattles!

Elissa’s father and Elissa ran downstairs. Elissa’s mother is staring at me speechless. They asked what happened. Unable to explain exact what happened, I tell about it superficially and advise them to look for professional help. I am done. I have to be done. I cannot deal with that “thing”.

Elissa’s mother just stares at me and at the door.

The horror of the situation paralyzed her. Unable to speak for some minutes, she finally comes back and breaks out crying. She stated: “it was the most horrific figure I ever saw in my life. There are no words to describe how it looks like and how it makes you feel. The hate emanates is indescribable. I can only hope that God really exists. I can only hope.”

Meanwhile, Elissa becomes enraged because she was not the one to see the “creature”. Elissa begins to cry, scream, cuss at it saying that she spent time and money to give “it” life and now “it” does what? Shows up to some idiot (she was talking about me), and to her mother who is weak as little worm. Elissa’s rage gets worse and worse and she begins to break dishes and scream uncontrollably, completely out of control. To someone who never experienced the “creature”, the person could assume that now Elissa became “possessed”. No, she did not. The hate, fury that a human being can put out, in its worst, can’t be compare to the fury of this “creature”. I talk about complete annihilation, destruction of everything into nothing. A black hole that destroys life.

This is beyond the nature that we know to exist. But “this” exists.

I grabbed my purse and I ran out the door.

I didn’t look back… as I know “he” was watching my departure from the house.

I can only be thankful for the sunshine cutting through the trees in the cold morning.

Thankful for my son sitting on the couch cozy, warm, safe, playing his games.

Thankful that I can breath, can feel, can come here and can type this event.

Thankful that my instincts kicked in.

Thankful that I don’t need to dwell of the leftovers of the fear I felt but I can move forward from this painful event.

Thankful for my gift that somehow showed those parents what they needed to see and allowed them to make their own decisions.

Just… thankful.

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Kathy, please!!!!

1:00pm – Kathy, this is Elissa. Call me back.

1:15pm – Kathy, I have texted you. Answer me.

1:30pm – I am driving to your job. We need to talk. I need your help.

1:40pm – I do need your help!!!!! This is an emergency!!!!! Please answer the goddamn phone calls!!! Please! I don’t know who else can help me with this! Please! For the sake of my child!!!!!

Sigh. This is Elissa contacting me. She is not officially diagnosed with NPD, but the rise and fall, the use, abuse, and discard of all those around her are the unmistakable “red flag”.

1:45pm – Kathy, I know you don’t like me and I don’t know why you don’t like me since I am the nicest person you could possibly meet. I have always being extra nice to you. I don’t know why you are ignoring me like this. I never asked anything from you. Nothing really. But right now I need help. Serious help. I am not lying. Something very bad happened last night and I need to talk to someone, anyone who can make some sense. I have reason to think my daughter is in danger and no, I cannot contact the police because whatever is in my house is not visible. Please, if you have any empathy in you as a mom, please call me back. I am begging you. I am truly and honestly begging you. Please, please, please call me back.

Sigh. I smell drama.

2:00pm – Kathy, this is Josh. Elissa just left here. Something is happening. Can I call you?

She has contacted Josh. How clever.  I don’t like it.  I am about to block her number when my phone rings… I stared at the phone. I began picking up something from it… I answered and it is Josh. He picks up on my mood immediately. He says:” Kathy. Listen. Unless I am completely wrong and Elissa has become the best actress in history, something is really happening at her house.  I think it is legit.”

I ask Josh what he noticed in her and he said: ” Terror. Kathy. Just check with her and let me know.”

I called Elissa. I am determined to not spend longer than 30 minutes with her. She picks up before the first ring completes ringing. “Kathy? OMG! Thank GOD. OMG! You have no idea what I have been going through. OMG Kathy. This house is haunted! He is attacking my daughter…. gnfkgbfnhybfmfgfjghfvgkbdgfbng…”

I can barely make sense of what she is saying. I feel my head swirling down in the drain. My energy level begins to fluctuate all over the place. No. Stop. I hang up. Not this way. I am not doing it.

She calls back immediately. I don’t answer.

I text her: STOP.

She calls again.

I text her again: STOP.

Three minutes pass by. She calls again.

I text her: STOP.

She gets quiet.

I text her: “This is my rule. I ask, you answer. Facts. Not your opinion. Cut and dry facts. Send me a text message and tell me what has happened, CONCISELY. 10 lines max.”

Elissa’s answer: “My house has become haunted. It became last week. My daughter says this black shadow, about 7 feet tall walks in her room almost every night, stands and stares at her. Last night it touched her leg and the leg was very cold in the area that she said the man touched her. My electrical bill has gone up almost 80% since the last 2 months because the whole house is freezing cold most of the time. I looked it up online and it says that it is like… haunted? Is it?”

My question to Elissa: “Have you done anything related to paranormal lately? Has anyone that you know passed away? Anything that could indicate something of that nature?”

Elissa’s answer: “No.”

I sensed she was hiding something. Short answer. I asked once again and she takes a little longer to answer but says: “no”.

I knew then something happened.

I schedule to go to her house next day at 10:00am. She paid in advance for my gas, since I’m not doing her a favor and I made that clear. That tells me she is indeed scared.

So, I prepare myself… still considering if I want to step into that situation. As I meditate, I begin sensing something. I feel a sense of malaise as someone sick with flu or something of that nature. I sense sore throat, as if someone were choking. I sense someone very tired and very drained emotionally. Not sure of what I am picking up, I simply go to bed but it becomes difficult to sleep.

I get up, take my son to school, and begin driving to Elissa’s house when Josh calls me. He wants to tag along bringing a friend with him, in case help is needed. I feel uneasy but don’ t reject the help. They want to pick me up at Starbucks. I agree to it.

Josh shows up with his friend, Nicolas as I am sitting at Starbucks drinking my tea and trying to raise my energy level. Josh introduces me to Nicolas who is a very polite, and very calm guy. Nicolas explains that he has heard somethings about “situations like that” and would like to see what happens, so he asked Josh to tag along and now he is asking me if he can come. I was not expecting too much of the whole situation so I agree.  As we walk out of Starbucks, Nicolas touches my arm lightly and asks me to ride with him so he can ask me questions. I was under the impression that we would ride together, the three of us. I looked at Josh who smiled at me and said: “Go ahead. He has the Lamborghini Huracán RWD Spyder. I think you will enjoy the ride!” Before I could answer, I had Nicolas opening the car door for me. Feeling a bit awkward, I sat down and looked at Josh. He winked at me as if saying: “He is ok. Don’t worry.”

Nicolas sat down closing his door and looked straight at me. Intensely. Then he asked me: “Do you ride slow or fast?” I sensed a double meaning in his question. I looked away from him and simply said:” As far as we get there at 10:00am alive and in one piece, I don’t care if you crawl or fly”. He opened this big smile… as my defenses went up immediately. I knew then I was riding with the enemy and I felt tense.  I felt Nicolas’s energy… THAT familiar electric  energy swirling, swirling, swirling over me, trying to pull me into his gravitational zone, trying to absorb me. I made my blood run faster and warmer. I know what this is, as I am sick person. Very very very sick person. I know what that energy is.

I sat there frozen trying to neutralize myself. The traffic light stayed red for an eternity. Nicolas touched my hair and asked me if I was ok. I startled. Apparently, I was lost in thought as he talked to me and I was not even listening.

After reassuring him that I was fine (and pushing his hand away from me), he took off… driving slower than a 1912 wagon, asking me question after question. It reached the point where I looked straight at him and warned him that being skeptical is Ok. Being stupid is not. He should refrain from looking for a “paranormal show” as I had no idea what Elissa had got herself into and I wasn’t willing to bring extra invisible “friends” home. Obviously, he did not catch my sarcasm because as a narcissist, he is not conscious of his own condition, which for me at that point, sounded interesting because I could actually learn more about narcissists by logically observing his reactions as he tried to mirror me.  The slow driving and the “attention bombing” he provided me just allowed me with endless opportunities to flip my emotions on and off and create reactions to be quite expansive and contradictory. It was a quite ride. Nicolas was lost trying to figure me out unable to mirror me and the blank expressions stamped on his face were priceless. I guess all the back and forth and my usual intensity made me a quite “interesting person that he would like to know better.” Of course, that phrase was said with an adoration expression on his face. His demeanor told me that the idealisation process had began for him.

We arrived. As I am getting rid of the seat belt, he steps out quickly, opens the door and extends his hand…  left hand.  I accept the gesture and before I can pull my hand away, Nicolas holds it firmly, kisses my fingers as if he was tasting me while looking intensely at my eyes. The need for fuel SCREAMS out of his pores.  Very charming, long eyelashes, handsome indeed. Yet, I see the familiar hollowness behind those beautiful blue eyes.  I move closer to him. My face very close to his. My body very close to his. I could feel his heat. He didn’t expect me doing that. Fear pops in his eyes as he avoids eye contact with me. I see it. I get even closer. He gets very unsettled, very quickly as if I could see something he is trying to hide from me. He does not know that I ALREADY know. I feel the grief striking me. I can’t have what I see. I can’t have what I feel. Because they don’t exist. So handsome, charming, intelligent and delightful. Nonexistent. I asked him if he understood what I had said about being quiet and not provoking reactions and he answered affirmatively. Nicolas feels like a lost child trying to figure out his way in the world, his value by mirroring, by idealizing, by devaluing, by being fast and furious and here he is, putting himself at risk NOT realizing that he is volunteering into something upon which he would have no control over, underestimating the outcomes because he believes that nothing exists after death. He believes he knows best and is perfectly willing to pay a high price out of sheer curiosity and recklessness.

“Nicolas, I don’t know what it is happening here. I cannot protect you. I cannot protect anyone as I don’t know what is coming. I know this makes no sense to you and I don’t expect it to make sense to you. I need you to accept that and don’t create a situation out of what could be nothing.”  After saying that, I don’t wait for an answer. I move away as Josh stands on the driveway with a big interrogation on his face by watching me and Nicolas so physically close.

I move my attention away from them. I need space. I need silence. I need to sense.

Dense woods stand on the left side of the house. The air feels cooler as you get closer to the house. I can smell the scent of wet soil. I look at the grass and it is dry. Is this cue for something?

Elissa is sitting on the patio and she jumps out of the rocking chair and runs towards me. “Thank you, Kathy!!! OMG! Thank you!” She begins to cry, then goes into sobbing as she hugs me. Meanwhile, I feel someone watching us from inside of the house. I ask her who is in the house and she said that no one is in the house. She needed fresh air and she came outside to wait for us.

Someone is in the house. I feel anxiety. He is by the window, the right front window. I can almost see the curtains moving. I call Josh. Nicolas follows. I tell Josh of my perception and they all look at that window. What seems to be a dark shadow moves through the curtains and Elissa gasps for air and cries more. She keeps saying that she just wants everything to go back to “normal.”

I tell Josh that I need to go in. He asks me if I am sure. I did not drive all the way to sense it, turn around and leave, did I?

Irritated, I simply walk towards the front door. They all follow me. As we get closer to the house, the air gets denser and colder as if we are stepping into a huge freezer. It is as if a dark cloud moved along sucking all into it. Everything looks engulfed by this grey mist in the air. I feel sick of my stomach. Nauseated. My movements are slower, calculated as if I am walking on eggs. I sense someone by the stairs and I look at it. I see the air getting dense and pulsing like a huge water bubble but I cannot make sense of what the shape is.  I know then there is more than one. Then suddenly this huge noise as an explosion goes off somewhere upstairs and the floor shakes. It feels like an earthquake is happening. From behind the curtains, we see this smoke going up and forming a circle in the air.  From perplexed, Nicolas is now getting very hysterically nervous. He asks me what is going on. I have no clue other than something is manifesting itself right in front of our eyes. Nicolas takes pictures. Then another explosion happens, this time downstairs, the floor vibrates harder under my feet. The air is so cold that my nose and fingers are about to freeze. Whatever is there is sucking energy from us and from the environment to make those manifestations happen. We can hear whispers but we cannot make sense of what is said. The circle forming in the air suddenly takes the shape of a gallow. We could see the rope hanging from somewhere. Elissa begins to say Omg! Omg! and suddenly the air gets heavy with the smell of cologne. Elissa has a panic attack and runs out of the door. Josh goes after her so now it is just me and Nicolas. A darker shadow moves back in through the door, the same door that Elissa used to leave, and it disappears into the kitchen. I feel something rubbing against my left leg. It does feel like a large dog.  Nicolas screams and says he felt a large hand going up on his back. Nicolas comes to me.

I feel my whole brain being rattled as if someone is trying to shatter it. It is quite painful. I ask it: “What is it that you want?”

A man’s voice immediately says: “Life”.

Nicolas grabs me and begs me to leave. I ask again: “Please repeat. What is it that you want?”

No answer. As I began moving towards the door, the voice repeats: “Light.”

I felt “him” moving closer and the image of this medium frame guy came to my mind.

I asked him what his name is. He answered me: “Nicolas”.

I looked at Nicolas who at that point, ran out of the door.

I said: “Nicolas, I will come back for you.”

The air immediately changed to a strange warmth that was almost suffocating. I heard a whisper but I could not make sense of what was said. I felt his emotions running through my body. His last moments as he gasped for air and tried to stop death from happening but… In his last second, he did not want to die. He did not want to die. “But pain does things to people”.

I went outside. The emotional pain I was feeling was substantial and it was not mine. I know Elissa has something to do with it. She is in what seems to be a type of “shock”, counting numbers backwards and does not answer questions. Josh calls Elissa’s mother who comes, locks the house, and takes Elissa to her home.

Two days later, Elissa calls me. She believes the man in her house is one of the boyfriends that she “broke up with” in July. His name is Nicolas and he committed suicide back in August, 31 (the same day I was discarded by my narcissist).

She called his family and were “brutally” told by his oldest brother that Nicolas hang himself in his house. His body was found hanging in the attic and his dog was found dead two days later of natural causes. Nicolas’s last message to Elissa as she coldly discarded him: “I cannot live without you, Elissa. I cannot live without my soul.”

Coincidences don’t exist.

luz

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For a whole minute

When it rains in a sunny day, diamonds fall from the sky. It is scintillating, magical, heavenly. More so in a white marble floor surrounded by lavish green foliage. It is the memory of a place long gone.

We sat facing each other. My legs on top of his embracing him. The rain falling on us.

Kathy, you are mine. We belong to each other.

I tasted the rain. I felt the pain raising inside. I don’t like this feeling.

Kathy, why do I feel this way?

What way?

Empty. Hollow. Filled with nothing. I have you but I feel empty. What is wrong with me, Kathy? Look at me. Tell me: what is wrong with me?

I don’t know.

I think you do, Kathy. You just don’t want to tell me. Tell me why?

Because you make me think.

And?

Nothing doesn’t exist. Something is there.

Silence

Kathy, are you sure that nothing doesn’t exist?

Yes, I am.

Can we stop this and sit for a minute under the rain? For a whole minute take me there, Kathy. I will let you do it. One whole minute, nothing more. Take me where I can’t go on my own. Now that we are in the rain and no one will see or hear. Give me the love I can’t feel. Fill me up.

For one whole minute, our heads touched each other and he was made whole and free. For a whole minute, the little boy sat in front of me, insecure and scared. His little shoulders down, his little hands playing with the water, his eyes looking for my approval resembling innocence and thoughtfulness. For a whole minute I saw what his grandmother loved so much. For a whole minute there was no construct, no salad words, and superficial dialogues. For a whole minute he was open and vulnerable. He was not a man. He was a child. For a whole minute in this life there was no pain to either of us. For this whole minute eternity made its presence.

For a whole minute, there was nobody but them…. sitting there together under the rain.

Silent-Strenght

The Dragonfly

(By Doris Stickney)
Once, in a little pond, in the muddy water under the lily pads,
there lived a little water beetle in a community of water
beetles. They lived a simple and comfortable life in the pond
with few disturbances and interruptions.

Once in a while, sadness would come to the community when one of
their fellow beetles would climb the stem of a lily pad and
would never be seen again. They knew when this happened; their
friend was dead, gone forever.

Then, one day, one little water beetle felt an irresistible urge
to climb up that stem. However, he was determined that he would
not leave forever. He would come back and tell his friends what
he had found at the top.

When he reached the top and climbed out of the water onto the
surface of the lily pad, he was so tired, and the sun felt so
warm, that he decided he must take a nap. As he slept, his body
changed and when he woke up, he had turned into a beautiful
blue-tailed dragonfly with broad wings and a slender body
designed for flying.

So, fly he did! And, as he soared he saw the beauty of a whole
new world and a far superior way of life to what he had never
known existed.

Then he remembered his beetle friends and how they were thinking
by now he was dead. He wanted to go back to tell them, and
explain to them that he was now more alive than he had ever been
before. His life had been fulfilled rather than ended.

But, his new body would not go down into the water. He could
not get back to tell his friends the good news. Then he
understood that their time would come, when they, too, would
know what he now knew. So, he raised his wings and flew off
into his joyous new life!

~Author Unknown~

 

 

 

 

 

Someone said “death”.

No, death wouldn’t be enough to wash clean memories because you can’t kill in yourself who didn’t exist.

The saddest part is not to miss a person. The saddest part is to miss someone who doesn’t exist.

How do you make up for that?