I found Someone

I found Someone

I found someone who knows what my anxiety looks like, someone who can understand what is running through my mind just by a glance, someone who knows that my silence means I am drowning and the way my face looks when I am using every inch of strength not to fall apart.

I found someone who will reassure me, even if it means doing it every day or every hour because he wants his peace to be mine.

I found someone who isn’t tired by my mind because no-one is more exhausted by it than myself.

I found someone who will do everything in his power not to be the cause of that anxiety; someone who smooth his hand over my knuckles when they’re white with frustration, someone who will rub gentle circles over my stomach when it is tied up in a thousand knots and feels like crashing waves of the ocean.

I found someone who will run his fingers through my hair when my head is so full of terrible thoughts with no route that can be severed, that it feels as if my mind is fighting against my skull, desperate to get out.

I found someone who will be my calm in the storm, my steady, my rock.

He makes me feel as if I can tell him anything, no matter what time of day or night. He’s someone who will fight sleep just to smooth the creases in my brow.

I found someone who will hold me so close to his chest that I feel his warmth radiate throughout my body like a safety blanket making me wondering if he is actually real.

I found someone who will listen to the mess of my thoughts, who will not tell me that I am “over-reacting” or “paranoid” or “overly sensitive” or any other number of things which make me feel bad for feeling bad.

I found someone who knows how to stop my rage because he knows how to walk in the minefield of my wounds. Whose only goal is to help me through whatever thought is gripping me- no matter how real or imagined or so over-analysed it feels as if it will be the thing to break me.

I found someone who will be the hand pulling me to the surface when i feel as if I am drowning and will shield me when the hurricane hits.

I found someone who is not afraid of my darkness but someone who has become my light, someone who has given me life, someone who has kept me alive when death seemed the solution.

I found someone who made me care because he cares and so I cared about not hurting him because to think of him in pain was an excruciating thought in my mind.

I found someone who doesn’t give me more reasons to doubt, to fear, to obsess. He is someone who i can see into and see more than myself reflecting back. He is someone who will not let my trust issues become magnified, who will not make comments without thinking, who will not joke about things which could turn my world to dust… because he knows me…. because I know him.

I found someone who doesn’t need to be told when I am feeling anxious because he feels me in his soul. Someone who knows it merely by my quiet features, my silence, and the emptiness that takes place and crushes me. He is someone who hears my screams when my mouth is shut and sees my tears when my pain becomes unbearable.

I found someone who understands that i won’t tell him how I am feeling because sometimes the sunny day is not what is in me. He is someone who will suggest hugs after events which cripple me because he knows that to be with him in his arms is my happy place.

I found someone who will slip his hand into mine at social events so I don’t feel invisible yet exposed all at the same time afraid of being afraid for no reason and every reason.

I found someone who makes me feel heard, important, adored and makes me feel at peace, at home with him.

I found someone who knows that anxiety is not who I am. It is just what became a part of me from the trauma Imposed over me.

I found someone who loves me even during the moments I can’t love myself… because he understands me.

The sweet girl in me found him and she is now visible. Because he deserves the sweet girl. He deserves the baby girl. He deserves what is hidden away from the world.

I found someone who deserves me and so he is sacred for me.

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“Katia, I must hurt you. Do you understand me?
I must hurt you because I have to. It is something that I have to do. It is part of my who I am. It is my need.”

I heard those words contrasting with the beautiful sight of the sun coming through the curtains in his bedroom. Was it Sunday morning? Was it Friday?
His eyes were dark, his expression of hate, frowning he stared me, his hand locked around my neck. His face close to mine watching my reaction.

“Your life depends on me. Do you understand ? I can kill you any time. I can kill you, Katia. I can and I will if I have to. I know you don’t believe me. I know you don’t phantom it, but it can happen.”

Again, the sun cutting through the curtains made such a contrast. Why don’t I fear his words?

Numbness took over my whole being as a fog, clouding my thinking. I feel the energy leaving my body and it feels cold. It is palpable. He is draining me and he is empty. This has been home for me. This emptiness of empty people trying to create a world out of what I have.

If I could tell the world just one thing, it would be that this isn’t ok. To worry about tomorrow and not to worry is wasteful
and useless in times like these. He wants me to be made less but I won’t be made useless. I won’t be idle with despair as the truth closes upon me.
I will gather myself around it for light that my truth shines does the darkness most fear.

My hands are small, I know but they’re not his. They are my own and I am never broken. The poverty of his spirit stole my golden dreams but it didn’t steal my laughter. As the heart ache comes to visit me, I knew I wouldn’t never get even. I will fight, not out of spite. I will fight for someone I don’t know. I will fight to find him as someone must stand up for what’s right.
‘Cause where there’s a man who has no voice. There ours shall go singing.

In the end kindness didn’t matter. In the end loyalty didn’t matter. In the end hope enslaved me.
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will pray to a God who has forsaken me.

06/2018

Familial Devaluation and Triangulation – Mining Field

Very often devaluation and triangulation are viewed as the narcissist bringing in a third party or constantly bringing in one of his exes to compare, contrast or simply to triangulate for the sake of triangulation. Usually, the same ex that he or she painted as a demon, which just adds to the confusion.

But how about when the narcissist doesn’t bring in a third party or an ex but instead uses his own children to devalue and triangulate you?

It becomes tricky; very tricky. Children are a very useful weapon for a narcissist because who in their right mind would criticize a parent for giving too much attention, too much assistance, too much of his or her time to their children?

Who would criticize the parent for putting their children first, cancelling out dates with you in the last minute because the child got sick, sad, arrived at home in a unstable mood, came back from her therapist and needs to talk to the parent about something but it is really nothing?

Who would point the finger on a parent who seem to be a good parent, who gives their children all he or she can and is willing to sacrifice him or herself in pro of their children?

Again, it becomes very tricky to discern the truth hidden among these blurry lines of never defined boundaries. It feels almost a “sacrilege” to question a parent’s way of relating to their children. Who are we to say that the way a person loves their children is right or wrong? We are outsiders, right?

Exactly!!!!

We are outsiders who will always be kept as an outsider because you are damned if you get close and damned if you don’t get close. You are damned if you speak up and damned if you don’t. You are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. The division between you and them is palpable and whoever dares to threaten to clarify those blurry lines  in pro of a “normal” separation is seen as a threat… more so from a co-dependent empath like me because the accuracy in which I am capable of pinpoint the depth of a dark secret goes beyond of what most mortals can face without igniting the rage of futile self-defense. Death would me my sentence.

But it feels right and it is absolutely wrong.

My ex narc used everything, anything, everyone, and every situation to triangulate me. People, things, situations, thoughts… from humans to music, places, time of day, food, weather… EVERYTHING and all in between whatever we were living at the moment was well used to serve triangulate me. However, his best and most effective weapons to wound me were his adult children. They were his most effective tool to manipulate me, devalue me and triangulate me throughout our relationship. Many times I felt guilty for feeling jealous of him about the way he related to his daughters, particularly the oldest daughter, who felt more like his wife, controlling his every step, than his daughter. I felt she occupied a place in his life that doesn’t belong to her. Belongs to a woman.

Things got more complicated when I finally met them and after watching his oldest daughter in action, I quickly realized the bulk of the situation. She is a narcissist herself, one who controls the entire family, one who is abusive towards everyone (including him), forcefully selfish, to the point of eating all the eggs in one morning just to not share with her youngest sister, who she hates because the youngest took all the attention away from her. One who criticizes everyone without looking at herself, one who suffers of celebrity addiction, dressing, acting, living like a celebrity, mocking the Kardashians being the best at the worst type of subhumans that humankind has to offer. scum wrapped in a nice package of fakery. The embarrassment of the American culture at its worst for the world to see… In short: I sat and watched this undeveloped minion narcissist in action.

Meanwhile, he sat there and gladly took all the abuse from her as a martyr proven holiness. Obeyed to her every demand. Bent backwards to please her. The way I acted towards him; he acted towards her. A slave to her = him. A slave to no Master = me.

I was sure he was a co-dependent! I was sure he had a major co-dependency problem because not even me with my co-dependency issues, I would bend so low to that type of overt abuse……………………………………………………………………………………….. Yet, he did it with a dramatic satisfaction.

She nearly flanked out of college just because she didn’t care about it. Financial aid denied. He called me mortified. I told him to drop any help. If she doesn’t want to study, she is 24. No one can’t force her. He said he couldn’t give up on her. Paid $10k out of pocket and got her going. Bought her a brand new car until she ran her Mercedes Benz into the floor by driving until the last drop of gas was there, never doing maintenance, trashing the car out. Allows her to live in his house, allows her to control who walks in and out and when, pays all the bills, feeds her, pays for her gas…. and serves her narcissism and she serves him. Quite symbiotic narc exchange at its primal.

I could go on and on about their dynamic but that should shed light to my confusion. The same applies to the other two. He did and does the same but the staple of the situation is really the oldest daughter, because she is him in a female form. He – a child of abuse and neglect. She – a child of overindulgence. The other two fall somewhere between.

The war between these two narcissists with the daughter imposing her will over his made it easier for him to play the victim and hide behind the facade of “a good dad” when in reality he benefited from all the drama. It is all for his benefit… and they benefit from the largesse as it is the only thing that matters to them. The constant fight for the throne that they believe their mother once occupied.

The main fuel is to do more and bigger and more harmful to receive their recognition as if belittling the woman who is with him elevates them because no one should occupy that space in his life.

What space?

It includes belittling others so he can make his love for them bigger, better, special, “sacred”. To choose them over you even on situations when the ridicule of doing so was obvious to everyone but them… just to prove a love that he is not capable of feeling… just to make he feel better………….. just to wound me and savior the taste of my pain.

I served many purposes in his life, one of them was to make him look as a loving father, as he always and unmistakably choose them over me. I also provided him with the nectar of my pain to sooth his own pain. As he did to me, was done to him. As he fell below, he lowered me. As he ached, so did I.

In pain we met, in pain we left.

 

 triangulation

23 Tragic Things That Happen When An Empath Loves A Narcissist

By Elizabeth DeVille July 26, 2017

There is no greater connection of opposites than the relationship that sparks between a narcissist and an empath. Manipulative and abusive, the narcissist is a stark contrast to the generous, emotional and caring empath, a dynamic that most would struggle to understand at best, however, these relationships are extremely common.

Kind, sensitive and nurturing, empaths focus more on the needs and desires of those around them than they do their own. This selflessness attracts the selfish and manipulative narcissist, recognizing that this is a relationship in which they will never have to worry about whether or not they are being made the top priority. They aren’t concerned about the feelings of their empath partner, in fact, some may argue they aren’t even aware their partner has feelings!

A Rollercoaster Of Emotions, Here Are The 23 Stages Of A Relationship Between An Empath and a Narcissist.

Masters of manipulation, the narcissist wears a mask as they meet someone new. They come across as emotionally intense and magnetic, drawing others in. This emotional intensity is a vibe that quickly attracts the empath.

At the onset of the relationship, the empath feels emotionally fulfilled, their heart bursting simply due to the fact that they have ‘found someone,’ without acknowledging that the narcissist isn’t working with their partner to build a deeper relationship. Blinded by their initial attraction, the empath feels loved just by being in the presence of their narcissistic partner.

The narcissist continues to manipulate the situation, creating the illusion of a perfect romance. Buying into this idea, the empath believes they have finally found that one special person, the type of relationship that others will search for their own lives.

The narcissist gives off the impression that they, too, want this relationship as deeply as the empath. The truth, however, is that they have no interest in the relationship itself, but are happy to find someone who is willing to give over complete control, allowing their life to revolve around the narcissist.

Careful not to completely give away their true personality, the narcissist will begin to tear the empath down slowly, calling their worth and value into question. This will be done passive aggressively with phrases like ‘I don’t want to hurt you but…’ or ‘I’m only saying this because I love you…’ allowing the narcissist to slowly gain control over the empath’s thoughts and self-confidence.

In an effort to solidify the attention of the empath, the narcissist will continue to play the victim. Bringing up events of their past or circumstances that they are currently facing, they will paint a picture of being dealt a ‘bad hand’ in life. This will play to the empath’s unending compassion, as they will want to care for their partner and make up for everything that they have had to face.

The innocence and naivety of the empath will play right into the hands of their narcissistic partner. They possess a genuine heart that can’t begin to imagine that there is anyone out there with the ability to view life and others with such a cold, manipulative approach.

Slowly the empath begins to recognize that their relationship revolves entirely around their partner, with no care or consideration for their own needs. While they are unhappy in the relationship, they avoid conflict in an effort to continue being liked.

The empath continues to pour their heart and soul into the relationship, investing time, energy and affection into their narcissistic partner. The narcissist feels as though they are completely in control, which creates the impression, to those outside of their relationship, of the perfect, happy relationship when they are out in public.

The empath eventually will hit a breaking point, no longer willing to put up with the manipulation and control of their partner. They have finally come to realize that their needs are also important, and it is ok to demand that they are also met. To the narcissist, this comes across as selfish, and it upsets them.

The narcissist is desperate for attention, to the extent that they will never receive enough to fill all of their needs. Their empath partner is unaware of this, still believing if they just ‘work a little bit harder’ they can keep their partner happy.

In an attempt to take back control the narcissist accuses their partner of being over-dramatic in their claims that the relationship is one sided. They continue to manipulate their partner’s thoughts – accusing them of being crazy or making things up.

Lost somewhere between reality and the version of reality that the narcissist is creating, the empath becomes confused. They begin to believe the claims of their partner, questioning their worth and blaming themselves for the way that they are feeling.

he lies. Regardless of what may happen, and what evidence may exist to show that their narcissistic partner may be in the wrong, they still can’t help but take on the guilt.

The empath will make repeated attempts to speak with their partner about the situation, however, each time that it comes up the narcissist will spin their words, using them against the empath. Justifying their every behavior, the narcissist will continue to shift the blame back onto the empath.

Hurt by the apparent lack of concern from their partner, the empath will begin to reflect on their situation, and what choices they have made to reach this point. This self-evaluation will be the first step in a process of growth and change.

Despite recognizing that they are being treated unfairly, the empath will continue to try to ‘fix’ their partner. Their natural desire to heal others will outweigh their upset and frustration with their relationship, instead convincing themselves once again that they were brought to this relationship for the sole purpose of helping their partner.

After repeated attempts to fix their partner, the truth will eventually hit home. Against everything they have ever believed the empath will now accept that not everyone deserves their love and attention. They will begin to open their eyes to the manipulative and dark side of their partner, acknowledging that this does exist in the world.

The weight of their relationship begins to weight down on the empath, realizing that the situation they are currently in is not one that they can continue to live in. They will begin to try to convince their narcissistic partner that they both must change in order for the relationship to continue.

Eventually, after repeated attempts, the empath will acknowledge that the narcissist is never going to change their ways. The empath will begin to take steps to heal and grow themselves, connecting with an inner strength that had previously been broken away by the narcissist.

Refusing to believe that they have to make any change in their life, the narcissist will continue in their daily activities as if nothing has changed. They will continue to believe that they have done nothing wrong, and the empath is merely ‘creating something out of nothing.’

The narcissist will acknowledge that they have lost control and move onto their next victim.

Eventually, after repeated attempts, the empath will acknowledge that the narcissist is never going to change their ways. The empath will begin to take steps to heal and grow themselves, connecting with an inner strength that had previously been broken away by the narcissist.

Refusing to believe that they have to make any change in their life, the narcissist will continue in their daily activities as if nothing has changed. They will continue to believe that they have done nothing wrong, and the empath is merely ‘creating something out of nothing.’

The narcissist will acknowledge that they have lost control and move onto their next victim.

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For a whole minute

When it rains in a sunny day, diamonds fall from the sky. It is scintillating, magical, heavenly. More so in a white marble floor surrounded by lavish green foliage. It is the memory of a place long gone.

We sat facing each other. My legs on top of his embracing him. The rain falling on us.

Katia, you are mine. We belong to each other.

I tasted the rain. I felt the pain raising inside. I don’t like this feeling.

Katia, why do I feel this way?

What way?

Empty. Hollow. Filled with nothing. I have you but I feel empty. What is wrong with me, Katia? Look at me. Tell me: what is wrong with me? I am never content. What happened to me?

I don’t know.

I think you do, Katia. You just don’t want to tell me. Tell me why?

Because you make me think.

And?

Nothing doesn’t exist. Something is there.

Silence

Katia, are you sure that nothing doesn’t exist?

Yes, I am.

Can we stop this and sit for a minute under the rain? For a whole minute take me there, Katia. I will let you do it. One whole minute to be sufficient, nothing more. Take me where I can’t go on my own. Now that we are in the rain and no one will see or hear. Give me the love I can’t feel. Fill me up.
f
For one whole minute, our heads touched each other and he was made whole and free. For a whole minute, the little boy sat in front of me, insecure and scared. His little shoulders down, his little hands playing with the water, his eyes looking for my approval resembling innocence and thoughtfulness. For a whole minute I saw what his grandmother loved so much. For a whole minute there was no construct, no salad words, and superficial dialogues. For a whole minute he was open and vulnerable. He was not a man. He was a child. For a whole minute in this life there was no pain to either of us. For this whole minute eternity made its presence.

For a whole minute, there was nobody but them…. sitting there together under the rain.