I found Someone
I found someone who knows what my anxiety looks like, someone who can understand what is running through my mind just by a glance, someone who knows that my silence means I am drowning and the way my face looks when I am using every inch of strength not to fall apart.
I found someone who will reassure me, even if it means doing it every day or every hour because he wants his peace to be mine.
I found someone who isn’t tired by my mind because no-one is more exhausted by it than myself.
I found someone who will do everything in his power not to be the cause of that anxiety; someone who smooth his hand over my knuckles when they’re white with frustration, someone who will rub gentle circles over my stomach when it is tied up in a thousand knots and feels like crashing waves of the ocean.
I found someone who will run his fingers through my hair when my head is so full of terrible thoughts with no route that can be severed, that it feels as if my mind is fighting against my skull, desperate to get out.
I found someone who will be my calm in the storm, my steady, my rock.
He makes me feel as if I can tell him anything, no matter what time of day or night. He’s someone who will fight sleep just to smooth the creases in my brow.
I found someone who will hold me so close to his chest that I feel his warmth radiate throughout my body like a safety blanket making me wondering if he is actually real.
I found someone who will listen to the mess of my thoughts, who will not tell me that I am “over-reacting” or “paranoid” or “overly sensitive” or any other number of things which make me feel bad for feeling bad.
I found someone who knows how to stop my rage because he knows how to walk in the minefield of my wounds. Whose only goal is to help me through whatever thought is gripping me- no matter how real or imagined or so over-analysed it feels as if it will be the thing to break me.
I found someone who will be the hand pulling me to the surface when i feel as if I am drowning and will shield me when the hurricane hits.
I found someone who is not afraid of my darkness but someone who has become my light, someone who has given me life, someone who has kept me alive when death seemed the solution.
I found someone who made me care because he cares and so I cared about not hurting him because to think of him in pain was an excruciating thought in my mind.
I found someone who doesn’t give me more reasons to doubt, to fear, to obsess. He is someone who i can see into and see more than myself reflecting back. He is someone who will not let my trust issues become magnified, who will not make comments without thinking, who will not joke about things which could turn my world to dust… because he knows me…. because I know him.
I found someone who doesn’t need to be told when I am feeling anxious because he feels me in his soul. Someone who knows it merely by my quiet features, my silence, and the emptiness that takes place and crushes me. He is someone who hears my screams when my mouth is shut and sees my tears when my pain becomes unbearable.
I found someone who understands that i won’t tell him how I am feeling because sometimes the sunny day is not what is in me. He is someone who will suggest hugs after events which cripple me because he knows that to be with him in his arms is my happy place.
I found someone who will slip his hand into mine at social events so I don’t feel invisible yet exposed all at the same time afraid of being afraid for no reason and every reason.
I found someone who makes me feel heard, important, adored and makes me feel at peace, at home with him.
I found someone who knows that anxiety is not who I am. It is just what became a part of me from the trauma Imposed over me.
I found someone who loves me even during the moments I can’t love myself… because he understands me.
The sweet girl in me found him and she is now visible. Because he deserves the sweet girl. He deserves the baby girl. He deserves what is hidden away from the world.
I found someone who deserves me and so he is sacred for me.